What Are Grits ???

I received the following information concerning grits in an email from one of the fellas up by Savannah:

 Nobody knows.  Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them.  Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white corn. These are obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists.  Nothing as good as Grits can be made from corn.

The most recent research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits.  Critics disagree,  stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt and red eye gravy raining down from the sky and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.

A reasonable story but possibly inaccurate. 

How Grits are Formed. Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure.  It takes over 1000 years to form a single Grit.  Most of the world's grit mines are in South Carolina and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bull dogs.  Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question).

That was supposed to be Top Secret.  Gotta ask Hal. 

Yankees have attempted to create synthetic Grits.  They call it Cream of Wheat.  As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded Styrofoam.  These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have children.

Absolutely factual. 

The 10 Commandments of Grits.

    I.   Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits..

   II.   Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife.

  III.   Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy.

 IV.  Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits.

  V.  Thou shalt use only salt, butter and red-eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits.

 VI.  Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits.

 VII.  Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits.

VIII.  Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.

IX.   Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch.

 X.   Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.

AMEN. 

How to Eat Grits. Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy.  WARNING:  Do NOT use low-fat butter. The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow.  Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits. If the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.

In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits.  Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits.  Never, ever substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the real thing because they can cause cancer, rotten teeth and impotence.

Next, add salt.  The correct ratio of Grit to Salt is 10:1.  Therefore, for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.

Now begin eating your grits.  Always use a fork, never a  spoon, to eat Grits.  Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.

That last paragraph addressed the second problem with the grits in my previous post: proper grits should be about the consistency of mashed  potatoes.  If you need a bowl or a spoon, someone in the kitchen was thinking cream of wheat. 

The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee.  

...poured into a saucer a few sips at a time and blown on until the proper temp (my grandpa's method).

DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk.

Not to mention powdered creamer. 

Your grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think its Cream of Wheat.

IRISH BLESSING BEFORE EATING GRITS

May the lord bless these grits, 

May no Yankee ever get the recipe,

May I eat grits every day while living,

And may I die while eating grits.

AMEN

One last remark - the foregoing treats "grits" as plural.  Some hold the view that the term is singular (or collective) like "meal" and the grammatically correct question would be "What is grits."  Where the word came from isn't really known but could be a metathetic variation of "grist", much like ask and aks or chipotle and chipolte.

GOT GRITS? :-)